deal OR no deal

Ill be starting my 3rd week in OR/DR/NICU and i have learned enough to be able to survive my next one and a half month to go.

Some of the staff there says I'm good. That Dra. Wouldn't get me from ER if she didn't see the potential in me. One of the staff said, I'm good at scrubbing. But I am not really sure if she was saying that for real or she only want to make me feel better since I'm missing my team at ER. One of my co trainees said, why am I not afraid to go on scrubbing. Well, am I not afraid in the first place?! Of course I'm afraid. I've been even trembling on my first scrub but since I started to commit myself on the training, I said to myself that I'll accept any scolding and shouting that I'll receive. My senior at ER said, it's better to ask all the time than doing it yourself and fail. I mean, it's good if you figure things out yourself but in my case most of the times, I have to admit that i don't know the procedure and ask for help. Whenever I enter the OR, I always prepare myself to get a beating. I always say that it's okay to be shouted at, you will be Shouted at so you need to prepare yourself to accept it. The probability of being complemented is low. So, I go in there and try my best everytime. Maybe my face doesn't show how terribly scares am I, that's why they see me very comfortable going in an operation.

Oh well, my first love is OR, I love watching surgeries so maybe that's the reason why I am comfortable there.

I'm actually sad before because it felt like the staff there are so far, I can't even reach them but by time I got to get their approval. One staff even said I'll pass the v.luna exam proudly. I was so shocked, because as doesn't know me. I was so happy. The she calls out my name na rin. Dr. Ldls, asked for my name and everytime she blurts them out, my heart jumps in happiness. Dra. Mates, also approves my existence. I am loved by all right? And I thank Lord for being so great to me all the timeS yes, that's right! The reason why I am confident all the time because He is the captain of my life. He rules my life. I know that He will never let me suffer and if I suffer, it's for my own good. ;)

So whatever trouble it is to come. Whatever challenge it is, I'm up to face them. I am so ready to fight and win for the right! Aja! Fighting!! Deal!

Hold me like it's the end of our lives

Yay! The end of KING 2hearts is fast approaching and it means more tense, romantic scene are about to be shown!! Yay!! *super kilig! It's just that I won't be able to watch the stream because of my duty. Hay. Haha


This picture is one of my most awaited scene to be on live at the television! Crap! It's so romantic! Who wouldn't want one? It's their official engagement celebration. LSG, kissed HJW in front of so many people/fans who watched.T T I'm so jealous, not only to the people who was able to watch live but to Jiwon also who received the kiss form seungi. Gosh, isn't he great?! The way he turned his face to kiss her. His hands who caressed her. Ack! I want one too! Bahaha. It was so romantic. T T I hope they get extension but I guess it's to late to decide already.

Fighting, my emperor, my heodang! Saranghamnida!!!

TueDay

My mind is in chaos. My heart is in question. My body seems giving up and I know I'm busted once again.

I decided to go on training on a hospital that doesn't require payments. I turned down 3 hospitals and I stressed out my mind by convincing it not to try on big hospitals like PHC, NKTI, LCP and SLMC which also requires giving money. I have said this on myself before. What I did was right. I'm now learning and I'm enjoying it.

But now it seems like I'm on a dillema again. My friends got into bigger hospitals that where I am. Before I've been saying that it's just fine. We have different opinions in life and we deserve where are we. Another friend got a text message from SLMC and it caused my mask to break. I'm tired of consoling myself. I'm jealous. Yes, I am. Am I really qualified? Everything is pulling up. I'm new to OB, I'm having a hard time on it. I'm new so I'm a bit left out to the trainees in there. I'm afraid they see me as an eyesore. Argh. I'm so negative right? I've been trying my best to me calm. Im always saying that's everything is part of learning. I can be scolded, I can make lots of mistakes and cry, feel dumb and stupid but it's all part of the process. But it seems in too tired pleasing myself too. I wanna break out and cry for once.

Now, tomorrow I'll be having an examination. I am afraid. I am afraid to fail. Argh. I can't concentrate and whenever I concentrate, negative vibes come in. My heart, mind, body and souls seems to go their own ways and leaving me broken into pieces.

Please Lord help me. I now, everything that's happening in my life is your doing. I know you have plans for me and I should wait. But please keep me calm. Keep me grounded for I'm afraid I'm about to reach my limit. Please keep me strong and please always remind me that you love me. I have surrendered my life to you and you own my life now. Be the ruler of my life and keep me always in your hand.

I'll try my best to keep my mind working and please back me up. I am so desperate and in trouble today. Help me organize and pick up my self once. Again. Thank you!