TueDay

My mind is in chaos. My heart is in question. My body seems giving up and I know I'm busted once again.

I decided to go on training on a hospital that doesn't require payments. I turned down 3 hospitals and I stressed out my mind by convincing it not to try on big hospitals like PHC, NKTI, LCP and SLMC which also requires giving money. I have said this on myself before. What I did was right. I'm now learning and I'm enjoying it.

But now it seems like I'm on a dillema again. My friends got into bigger hospitals that where I am. Before I've been saying that it's just fine. We have different opinions in life and we deserve where are we. Another friend got a text message from SLMC and it caused my mask to break. I'm tired of consoling myself. I'm jealous. Yes, I am. Am I really qualified? Everything is pulling up. I'm new to OB, I'm having a hard time on it. I'm new so I'm a bit left out to the trainees in there. I'm afraid they see me as an eyesore. Argh. I'm so negative right? I've been trying my best to me calm. Im always saying that's everything is part of learning. I can be scolded, I can make lots of mistakes and cry, feel dumb and stupid but it's all part of the process. But it seems in too tired pleasing myself too. I wanna break out and cry for once.

Now, tomorrow I'll be having an examination. I am afraid. I am afraid to fail. Argh. I can't concentrate and whenever I concentrate, negative vibes come in. My heart, mind, body and souls seems to go their own ways and leaving me broken into pieces.

Please Lord help me. I now, everything that's happening in my life is your doing. I know you have plans for me and I should wait. But please keep me calm. Keep me grounded for I'm afraid I'm about to reach my limit. Please keep me strong and please always remind me that you love me. I have surrendered my life to you and you own my life now. Be the ruler of my life and keep me always in your hand.

I'll try my best to keep my mind working and please back me up. I am so desperate and in trouble today. Help me organize and pick up my self once. Again. Thank you!